AMBIVALENCE

AMBIVALENCE

by – Dr. Anna Cherubino, DSc, LMHC, LCPC, M.A.

A word I  love is ambivalence. It is something I learned about 13 years ago in grad school while studying to become a psychotherapist. I had previously used the word to describe a gray area – feeling wishy-washy or unsure. If I said I was ambivalent about a decision or felt ambivalence generally, I meant I was indecisive and felt blah. This is how many people interpret this word and how many use it most often when faced with a choice.

The Latin morphology of the word proved to hold a much deeper and more useful meaning. Ambi, coming from Latin, means “both” (think ambidextrous), and val meaning strength or worth (think valiant, valor, valence, or value). Ambivalence is feeling two strong, opposing feelings at the same time. To feel ambivalent, then, means you want to choose both path A and path B. You are sad and happy; excited and scared. 

This definition unlocked for me a more true reality that I was living. When I said I was not sure how I felt, or that I felt gray, it was just the surface level fog I was letting myself feel. If I dug a bit deeper, I could always find the opposing feelings that lurked under the surface. Maybe it felt too confusing to admit that I was of two minds on the matter. It felt cleaner to discount the strong emotions as undefined and less than they really were.

This “fog” though, is a short term protective move, a defense to not let the complexity in. In the long run, it actually just robs us from insight and often makes us rush through ambivalent situations trying not to look at what we are pushing past. 

Another example of this is the term bittersweet. Something I hear often around endings, or grief. A celebration of life is something beautiful where people gather to talk about the person they love. But of course it hurts, and there is such a sadness to admit the joy and love of life when someone has died. 

The reason I love ambivalence as a concept is because it unlocked for me a more universal truth. We rarely have experiences that create in us a single emotional reaction. Most of our experiences trigger parts of ourselves that have differing opinions, projections, hopes, or dreams. 

Take starting something you have wanted to do for a long time. Maybe a project you have dreamed of and finally have the resources to start. You are excited, of course. And maybe too you are a little nervous – so much time and energy has been put toward an idea; now it will become a reality. Perhaps there is fear: fear of failure, fear of the perfect thing becoming a messy thing out in the world where it doesn’t align with the idea. 

Maybe the excitement and joy are the full picture until it dawns on you that realizing your dream means you don’t have anything to look forward to anymore – at least not the way this dream held that role in your mind. The thing that was always off in the future, keeping you going in the tough present moments, is now becoming something else, out in the world, where you have to let go of it, to let it become real. 

The linguistic magic that discovering the meaning of this word, and of reframing the way I use it in my own life, was holding up the bigger truth: Two things can be true at the same time.

Often, more than two. This can be within ourselves, and once we practice and accept this reality within our own intrapersonal landscape, then we can apply it to others too. If we disagree with someone, well, two things can be true at the same time and everyone is allowed their emotional reality. It is true that someone in a family may feel sad about a change, while another is happy, while another is nervous. All about the same thing. As a unit then, the family has ambivalence. How do we make sense of this? How do we see eye to eye? 

My updated version of ambivalence would say we acknowledge that more than one emotional reality is coming up, and that is ok, that is normal. And we do not have to diminish or hide the diversity of feelings in order to move on (interpreting ambivalence as I used to, as a  blah or unclear feeling). Feeling our feelings can be a rich experience that helps us in our lives with others, ourselves, and complements our thinking and behaving selves. Feeling is not just something to push away, manage, or hide – it is our birthright. 

Feeling our feelings can be difficult in a world that has not rewarded this process. It may be much easier to think our way through something than to identify, express, and release our feelings. If you are wanting to become a champion to your feelings, instead of a passenger in their joy-ride, consider holistic expressive arts psychotherapy at Cherubino Health Center. Our psychotherapists are especially trained in whole person, tailored plans to help people express feelings and bring a deeper understanding and control over their emotional lives. 

Dr. Anna Cherubino, DSc, LMHC, LCPC, M.A.